a-wandering

it(')s time

2009-09-15T12:32:00.002-05:00

i am now here: whichpagetoturnto.wordpress.com

2008-06-26T12:01:00.003-05:00

so...i still haven't updated this lame-o blog. and i'm not here to do that today either.

i just wanted to share with the world at large the new goal my mother and i made earlier this week. we have both been trying to encourage each other to live a more healthy lifestyle. but life jumps in, little by little, and we find ourselves exactly where we began 3 months ago. so this week we have a new commitment...

neither of us will buy any more books...not a single one...until we have lost 10 lbs. each.

crazy. but there it is. and now it's real and official because i have said it aloud to the world.

yikes...

2008-03-28T15:33:00.002-05:00

just a little note to say...this blog needs some work! quite a few of the links to the right no longer work properly, and i don't even live in Arkansas anymore!

i will try to update soon.
sorry about the neglect, Sir Blogger.

on more than one day a year...

2007-11-26T16:29:00.001-06:00

i am Thankful for:
- my mother's hugs (not just her hugs, but especially her hugs)
- my dad's perseverance
- my sister's friendship

i'll stop here. there are many things i am thankful for...many blessings i have received without deserving of them, or even asking for them...but the fact that i can sit in a room with those 3 people i just mentioned, and feel loved not condemned, and be understood for who i am...i don't have the words to say what that means to me.

2007-11-01T09:52:00.001-05:00

Destiny is not a matter of chance, but of choice.
Not something to wish for, but to attain.
~William Jennings Bryan

2007-09-28T11:09:00.000-05:00

Things have been very busy for me lately; but I am EXCITED to share the resolution with you…

As of December 15, 2007, I will once again be a resident of Dallas, TX. And hopefully in January, I will be a student again…on my way to being certified to teach 4^th – 8^th grade Math!! Isn’t that crazy?!! I have been pretty discontent with how my job has changed here at the church...it was what they needed to do right now, but not at all what I feel gifted to do, and certainly not what motivates or energizes me personally. I had intended on being here 2 years, but with all of the changes, I started exploring options. And all of the jobs I seemed drawn to, whether overseas or here in the states, were all teaching jobs. Tutoring English in China, teaching Math in Germany, teaching in Samoa…all very real job options that I considered. But with each one, I felt really unsettled about moving to a new culture, trying to teach in a different language, when I’ve NEVER been in a classroom as a teacher! It seemed out of order in my mind. So I started thinking: why not just become a teacher?? I mean seriously, I always wanted to teach when I was younger…I went to college originally as a Music Education major…why not head in that direction? Now is as good a time as any to totally change my life!

That was the first half…the second was deciding where that would take place. I will spare you the long story, but the end result is that I decided I want to live near my family again. It has been good to be away, for LOTS of different reasons, but the flip-side is that it has been 8 YEARS since I lived near them…even in the same state…and I’m ready to live the "day-to-day" with them again. With each answer to a question, each decision made, there was such peace that I can’t even describe. Of course I’m nervous and a little scared, and of course sad to leave…but I am so SURE that this is the right move. So, there you go…the update on my life! My (very loose) plan is to move home in December, begin an alternative certification program in January, teach for 2 or 3 years in Texas, and then re-evaluate what comes next. I would still LOVE to live overseas…but the timing isn’t right; not yet. Who knows what will happen in the next 4 or 5 years though. No matter what – even if I just teach in Texas and go on short-term trips in the summer – I am WAY pumped about this move.

So there it is…I’m joining the Educators! The subject and age range may change before all is said and done…I love Math, but I might suck at trying to explain it, I don’t know…but honestly, I really hope I’m good at it. Really. Public school is all I experienced growing up, and while I loved it, there were so few teachers that truly cared…about us, about their work, about the school, etc. But the few who did care truly made a mark, you know? I remember their faces, I remember their classrooms, and I even remember some of what they taught me. Those teachers that were there intentionally to change lives…I really looked up to them, and I listened to what they said. And I can only hope that I am capable of being that as well.

So…I hope your weekend is beautiful, I hope you get some deep and peaceful sleep, and I hope you laugh until your side hurts at some point in the very near future.

2007-09-21T10:38:00.000-05:00

prayer...

2007-09-04T14:40:00.001-05:00

so much...

2007-08-17T11:24:00.000-05:00

well, there has been a TON going on lately...although not on the outside. it is all in my head...transitions in what i focus on, what i deem important, what changes i want to prepare for. but that makes for some of the most intense phases in life. you're working the same job, you've got all the same commitments...yet your mind and heart are radically changing. then all of the big questions come: what changes do i make first? how will my life look different now? if my life doesn't outwardly change, am i not as passionate about these inward changes as i should be? etc., etc., etc...
the trickiest part of every change, for me personally, is what to do when i can't formulate a plan; when there isn't an equation that lines out what should come next. how do i commit to try when i don't even know what the next steps are?...my rational mind asks me. i'm not the smartest kid on the block...i never have been...but i can usually work things out in my mind...at least at some basic level. this is all a very general, round-about attempt at explaining my thoughts...let me just get to the point already...

i have decided that it is extremely important for me to figure out what i want to do with my life...if i could do anything at all, without limitation...what would that be...and then do everything in my power to go after it. i've got a lot going for me in this endeavor, and there is just as much standing in the way. but for me, this is the crucial question...the ultimate crossroads. because so far, all i've been able to honestly determine is that Christ is my Lord, and i will live the rest of my days following Him. beyond that, oh there are thousands of things i could do...hundreds of things i would love to do...but what is the one thing? or easier still...what are the five things that i would drop everything and say "yes" if the opportunity presented itself? because really, if you don't know what you want, how do you recognize it when it's right in-front of you? right?

there are a lot of question marks in this post...i just wanted to take a moment and point that out.

part of what triggered this is a commitment i made 5 days ago...it goes a little something like this: i committed to only reading the Word, or things pertaining to the Word (i.e. commentaries, theology books, scriptural indexes) for 30 days. so for a month, the only reading i will do will be to study the Bible. if you know me at all, you know this is huge for me. if you don't know me, let me explain...i read a lot. not just everyday...a lot. probably 100+ pages of something everyday. now maybe i have no concept of what a lot is...maybe in the world of a philosopher, or a graduate student, hundreds of pages of reading comes with the territory. but there it is...for my little world, i'm a reader. the problem is that when i graduated with my little biblical studies undergrad degree, i stopped studying. huge difference between studying and reading. it was like: freedom!...i can read whatever i want!! so for the last 3 years, i have read everything i can get my hands on...and truth be known, my little travel-size Bible that had, sadly, become a textbook has been opened rarely during this time. so about a week ago, out of nowhere, i had a moment of clarity...i knew exactly what i needed to do, what i was somehow supposed to do...shelve every book i own, and open only that leather-bound Bible. if this means i miss out on some ground-breaking article, oh well. if this means i lose sleep because i can't calm my thoughts, too bad. so i did...
in 4 days time, what i have discovered is that i don't know what my purpose is. i don't know what is important to me...i don't know what i would leave my home to do...i don't know where to focus my energy and resources and time...i simply don't know...

i'm not ok with that. for too long, i have run away from things by simply not caring. if something pops up that i'm scared to lose...i simply make myself stop caring about it, and problem solved. but not anymore. i need my life to be personal...to have meaning...to be risky and scary because i care so much about what i'm doing and the people i'm serving that if my situation changed, i would be crushed. not devastated, not hopeless...but upset, you know? i want to care deeply, be deeply involved...and confession: i'm just not right now. i need to know why that is...what needs to change. because the reality is, it's possible. i am actually in a position that i could leave everything, change everything, and do something different. go somewhere different. i haven't fought for that out of fear...what if i fail, what if i lose, what if there's pain? but now it's like...exactly. i have to allow myself to fail...i have to try no matter what...because in that, i'm freeing myself up to succeed.
i'm tired of this numb life. i'm tired of always being fine. i hate that i never panic, that i never freak out, that i'm content. as clearly as i have ever heard from God, i feel like He is saying, "now's the time!" i'm going to answer those questions...and then i'm going to fight in that right direction. i'm going to try for what is important...what could be life-changing...what i could love...what might bring pain...

and you should too.

Day 37

2007-07-27T16:56:00.000-05:00

(Apologies: I realize that today is not July 28th. I do not have a computer at my house, so I am posting this ahead of time...so that we can all pray together tomorrow.)

The summer after my freshman year in college, I went on a very short mission trip to Honduras to work with WGO, an organization that I had not ever heard of before. We spent the week painting concrete walls that would later turn into houses...we handed out food to children in downtown Tegucigalpa...we spent quite a few hours romping in the mountain river...and I had no idea what God had in store for that place.

Today, World Gospel Outreach is doing incredible things to reach the people in Honduras. The place I visited 7 years ago, Rancho Ebenezer, hardly looks like what I remember! They have multiple homes for children to come and live in a family environment. They have a school building. They grow coffee beans and blackberries. And that is just the ranch! WGO works with people in Tegucigalpa, as well as up on the mountain...bringing them food, medicine, and the Word that can change their lives!

I have just recently learned that the church I now work for is very involved with WGO, sending teams each year to serve there. A good friend here is preparing to go work in Honduras long-term, helping with the children, college students, and the media department. Please join me in praying today for Brett as he prepares to leave, and for the continuing work of WGO. They have had a rough journey at times, but they have been faithful and God is blessing their work.

I have not thought about this place in years...I ashamed to admit that it was so easy to forget the children I saw there...the huge pile of mud where thousands of people were burried by the El Nino hurricane...the little pots of glue that tiny children sniff to fight off the cold and the hunger. But Praise God that His servants have continued to struggle. Praise God that the people there are being shown love and grace. And let us all pray together for the people who are still huddled in the dark. Please pray that God will strengthen his workers in Honduras. Pray that the people there will be open to the Word...that their burdens may be lifted, just slightly lessened, by the joy and the peace that Christ offers. Pray that the food and the medicine will not be the end, but will be the opening of doors. Pray that we all will not forget this journey we have been on...all of these organizations who fight each day for others.

There is evil and darkness everywhere, this is true. There is need...there is hunger...there is pain that we cannot imagine, that we may never experience.
But there is also hope. There is love. Pray that we will not forget those things.

If you'd like to take a closer look at World Gospel Outreach, go here.

so that we do not forget...

2007-07-12T12:07:00.000-05:00

"Faith Perfected

Recent martyrdoms sadden us but cannot make us despair.

A Christianity Today editorial | posted 7/12/2007 08:53AM

"Turkey has become more and more hostile to its tiny Christian minority. Though the nation is 99 percent Muslim, the government and media look at any activities of Christians with great suspicion. Last year, according to Compass Direct News, an Italian Catholic priest was shot to death while kneeling in his church in the Black Sea port of Trabzon. And in January, an ethnic Armenian Christian journalist was murdered in Istanbul.

"Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted, while evil people and impostors will go on from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived.

"On Wednesday morning, April 18, German missionary Tilmann Geske, a 46-year-old father of three, kissed his wife goodbye and headed to work. He was renting office space at the small Zirve Publishing House, where he was editing a new Turkish study Bible. Zirve shares space with a tiny Protestant church in Malatya, a small town in eastern Turkey. Meanwhile, church pastor Necati Aydin, 35, a father of two who was a convert from Islam, went to that same building for a Bible study.

"Also headed to Zirve were two Muslims who had befriended these Christians and expressed an interest in Christ. Upon arrival, the men began discussing the faith. In a little while, however, three more young Muslims arrived, armed with pistols and knives.

"For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake.

"The two Christians were bound hand and foot to chairs, and the Muslims began stabbing them, slowly and deliberately. Soon, another former Muslim, Ugur Yuksel, 32, showed up, and they tied him up, too. Nearby residents heard moans and shouting but did nothing, believing it was a domestic disturbance. Finally, three hours after the torture began, police were called. The captors then slit the Christians' throats, killing all three.

"If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.

"Quickly apprehended, the suspects were carrying a letter that read in part: "We did it for our country. They are trying to take our country away, take our religion away."

"If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you.

"Yuksel was buried the night of his martyrdom by his Muslim family; Geske two days later in the Armenian cemetery in Malatya; and Aydin on April 21 in his hometown of Izmir. About 500 people attended Aydin's emotional funeral, which received national coverage.

"In a television interview, Susanne Geske, wife of the German missionary, said she did not want revenge. "O God, forgive them," she said, "for they know not what they do."

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."

Day 1

2007-06-22T13:21:00.000-05:00

Wow...if you have not yet read Kat's entry about her experience today, please do so.

I have sponsored 2 children in the past; 1 through World Vision, and 1 through Compassion International. With each child, money got tight and I could not afford to continue supporting them. I often wonder what happened to them. It breaks my heart a little to think about it.

What is worse is when I think: why did I quit? I am sure that I was not rolling in cash...that has never been my story, and I pray that that continues. But I know I wasn't going hungry. I was having fun in college...maybe even still finding money to go to a movie occasionally. I don't know what else to say about it...except I feel like a jerk.

40 Day Fast

2007-06-21T10:34:00.000-05:00

Exciting things are about to happen here in the blogging world! Recently, I have been introduced to a community of bloggers that have really challenged me on many levels...in many areas of my life. And I am SO excited about participating in the upcoming 40 Day Fast. The general idea is that, starting tomorrow, 1 blogger will choose an issue to fast and pray on for that day, and then write about the experience. By the end of this event, there will be 40 different world issues that this community has learned about and prayed for. If prayer truly has power...and we know this to be true...then we are about to seriously change lives in the world around us, and abroad.

Kat is the organizer of all of this...she is kicking things off tomorrow. PLEASE keep up with this...there is a schedule on my sidebar with links to each of the bloggers that are involved. I have copied Kat's suggestions below of how we can all join together for the next 40 days.

Get Involved
I hope that everyone reading this right now will participate in some way. Here are a few ways you can still get involved:

Follow along each day and read about each of the causes.
Place one of the logos on the sidebar of your blog.
Post a link each day to the blogger who is fasting.
Join us in fasting on the 40th day (July 31st).
Get involved in one of the organizations mentioned each day.
Start your own 40 day fast from your blog.

Pray
Another way you can get involved is to pray:

Pray that our hearts would break for the need in the world and the need next door.
Pray that we’d live as though we know that we’re given strength to help the weak, we’re given plenty to help the poor and we’re given hope to help the hopeless.
Pray that we’d look for need in our daily lives.
Pray that we’d recognize excess in our daily lives.
Pray that we wouldn’t despise small beginnings.
Pray that we’d take a step, however small it need be, to break the inertia of our complacency.
Pray that people would truly be helped as a result of the next 40 days.
Pray that the world would seem a whole lot smaller to us after July 31st.

How do you plan to get involved?

2007-06-20T13:14:00.000-05:00

“They who are of the opinion that Money will do everything, may very well be suspected to do everything for Money.”
- Halifax (1633-1695)

oh man

2007-06-18T11:08:00.000-05:00

how i WISH that i could copy the article i just read and paste into this here blog for you all to read. alas, that would be plagiarism. so instead i will just tell you about it, briefly, and hope you will seek it out yourself.

today i received an article, courtesy of Christianity Today's free email newsletter. (i have to admit that for every great article, there are 30 that are ridiculous...but today was a good one...ok, continue...) the article was concerning the best-selling book The Secret. i had not heard of this book yet, but MAN it sounds sadly ridiculous. ridiculous because it is the ultimate in self-help, self-centered, American ego-centric nonsense. and sad because this is the 20th week that it has been at the top of New York Time's best-sellers list...so people are clearly buying into this crap.

now that i think about it...anything more i write will be a sad summary of the article itself, which is brilliant. if you are interested, go to the Christianity Today web site. it is in the June 2007 newsletter, and the title is: The Secret Exposed.

i will leave you with one teaser quote:
The Secret, you see, is all about the self—it's for the self, obsessed with the self. Newsweek offers this critique: "On an ethical level, The Secret appears deplorable. It concerns itself almost entirely with a narrow range of middle-class concerns—houses, cars, and vacations, followed by health and relationships, with the rest of humanity a very distant sixth."

just for fun...

2007-06-14T14:28:00.000-05:00

i promise not to make a habit of this...i realize no one wants to read surveys in their free time. but this one looked interesting. so here it is:

thirty-nine secrets about yourself.
[be honest no matter what.]

[one] what is your natural hair color?
[honestly] dark blonde

[two] where was your default picture taken?
[honestly] Pamela's wedding

[three] what's your middle name?
[honestly] caye

[four] your current relationship status?
[honestly] single

[five] does your crush like you back?
[honestly] i don't have a crush...right now... :)

[six] what is your current mood?
[honestly] passive

[seven] what color underwear are you wearing?
[honestly] blue

[eight] what makes you happy?
[honestly] family, friends, laughter

[ten] if you could go back in time and change something, what would you change?
[honestly] i'd go to class more...those last 2 years were really stupid on my part

[eleven] if you must be an animal for one day, what would you be?
[honestly] maybe a tiger...they're awesome

[twelve] ever had a near death experience?
[honestly] no...at least, not that i recognized

[thirteen] something you do a lot....?
[honestly] laugh

[fourteen] what's the name of the song stuck in your head right
[honestly] "falling softly"

[fifteen] who did you copy and paste this from?
[honestly] lainey morrow

[sixteen] name someone with the same birthday as you?
[honestly] i don't know of anyone

[seventeen] when was the last time you cried?
[honestly] don't remember

[eighteen] have you ever sung in front of a large audience?
[honestly] lots of times

[nineteen] if you could have one super power what would it be?
[honestly] flying superfast would be cool...then i could go to Germany for the weekend, for free!

[twenty] what's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
[honestly] height

[twenty-one] what do you usually order from starbucks?
[honestly] white mocha, extra espresso

[twenty-three] favorite color?
[honestly] white...even though its not really a "color"

[twenty-four] when was the last time you lied?
[honestly] yesterday

[twenty-five] do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows?
[honestly] when i'm with my niece

twenty-six] what are you eating or drinking at the moment?
[honestly] nothing

[twenty-seven] do you speak any other language?
[honestly] i used to speak very basic German, but i've lost most of it

[twenty-eight] what's your favorite smell?
[honestly] folded sheets

[twenty-nine] if you could describe your life in one word what would it be?
[honestly] unexpected

[thirty] when was the last time you gave/received a hug?
[honestly] don't know

[thirty-one] have you ever been kissed in the rain?
[honestly] yah

[thirty-two] what are you thinking about right now?
[honestly] my year-end review for work

[thirty-three] what should you be doing?
[honestly] my year-end review for work :)

[thirty-four] what was the last thing that made you upset/angry?
[honestly] Jeb, the horse-dog

[thirty-six] do you like working in the yard?
[honestly] not really

[thirty-seven] if you could have any last name in the world, what would you want?
[honestly] rousseau, just because it looks AND sounds good :)

[thirty-eight] do you act differently around your crush?
[honestly] i probably would if i had one

[thirty-nine] name one song that reminds you of an ex?
[honestly] full house - old garth brooks song

2007-06-12T13:01:00.000-05:00

there are conversations, and then there are GREAT conversations. the great-ness comes when you are speaking with someone you trust...you trust them enough to let your true thoughts come out...thoughts that you hadn't even realized yet.

last night, i had a GREAT conversation with a sweet friend, Bek. about all sorts of things. but during this conversation, i realized something pretty revolutionary. i realized that i am sick of trying to be in control of my life. i do not WANT to make decisions anymore. i do not WANT to be the leader anymore. i want to follow someone...i feel like i am ready to follow someone.

this is huge. this thinking is completely foreign to my little control-freak brain. i have constantly struggled to relinquish control to anyone...i am a female that ENJOYS making decisions...so what is going ON???

i will tell you...its God. He's after me. and i reckon He's been after me for a long-time. we've been family for years...(i sort-of expected the chase to have ended by now)...but i've never felt my NEED for Him as strongly as i do now. maybe it is because, from experience, i know for certain that i will screw things up on my own. because i have...screwed things up, that is. but now i think that another part of this is that He is molding me to be a follower, not a leader. He is trimming away at my independent self...my soap-box loving fighter side. i do not need to "step up"...i need to step down.

i'll admit it: scary.

the tall italian

2007-06-06T14:24:00.000-05:00

i realize i have completely dropped the ball thus far on blogging...i rarely ever write anything. and now that i have been to Africa and back, surely a good story is called for, right? there are WAY too many meaningful moments to share...so instead i will share a bit of the absurd.

on my way back to the states, i had a 9.5 hour flight from London to Dallas. for some reason the people in Africa did not check me in for this flight...so by the time i got to the counter in London, all the good seats were gone. i was stuck in the middle seat of 3. luckily, i am 5'2"...this phrase does not often pass my lips. but on airplanes, being short has MAJOR advantages, not least of which is ample leg room. while waiting to board the plane, i noticed an amazingly tall italian man. i would LOVE to be able to adequately describe this man to you, but i know anything i could say would not do him justice. so let me only mention that he was wearing a matching blue wind-suit (jacket and pants), gold jewelry, huge white kicks, and was seriously 6'6", at least. i noticed him only in passing as we were waiting to board. (note: there was an italian man residing in Arkadelphia for a while named Bruno, and this man was a tall version of him. i realize that Bek is probably the only person that will understand what that means...but there it is.)

now, i am not a "push-to-the-front" kind of girl when it comes to boarding planes. i see no reason to get to my seat as quickly as possible, when i will be occupying that space for a very long time anyway. so i am always one of the last people to board. it was not a surprise, then, that both of my neighbors were already seated. and i am SURE you are smart enough to know that one of these neighbors was none other than the tall italian man. as i made eye-contact with him, i could tell i was in for an interesting flight. he had the armrest up, in an effort to spread out as much as possible. and as i sat down, he immediately began to flirt, hoping that i would grant him all of my extra space as well. at one point within the first hour...change that, before we had even leveled off from our ascent...he actually said "can you tell that i am hitting on you?" i replied "yes" and he laughed and put his arm around me. apparently if i had been turned off, i would have hit him. my mistake.

i cannot begin to remember everything that was said...so here is what i learned during that flight: the man in question was named Eddie, and i am NOT lying when i tell you he is usually called "Eddie Spaghetti". he is a chef and he is good at everything, of course. he has a sweetheart in Dallas, but that did not compel him to refrain from petting my arm, laying his head on my shoulder, winking, etc. he feels that because i am 26 and unmarried, i will certainly want to see him again. tattoos of any kind translate as invitations...having 3 is definitely dangerous. the gap between 26 and 42 (Eddie's age) only means that he gets to be "exciting" in my eyes. and the only peace to be had around italian men is when they are asleep.

so...there is the absurd story. if you do not know me very well, this might seem strange to you...how did i manage to sit next to THIS man, you might ask? if you know me well, you are shaking your head, filing this story away as simply one more ridiculous thing that we will laugh about when next we meet.

2007-05-23T10:18:00.000-05:00

I'm in Africa...woohoo!

Everything is great and weird and wonderful. Did anyone see Babel or Syriana? That's what it looks like. It's AWESOME!

Ok, bye.

Come support great art!

2007-05-15T11:24:00.000-05:00

Seriously...this is an AMAZING deal to see great artwork, and listen to beautiful music for crazy cheap prices. If you are in the area, PLEASE COME!! Read on...

The ASO will be performing this weekend at Fellowship Bible Church in Little Rock, Arkansas, including a special performance of David Itkin’s Pulitizer Prize-nominated tone poem, “Jonah.” The evening’s performance, presented in conjunction with our 2007 art festival, will be a unique blend of the musical and visual arts in a celebration of three years of art festivals: 2005’s “Exploring the 23rd Psalm,” 2006’s “Beginnings,” and 2007’s “Jonah.” The artwork from those three festivals will be projected on screen during the performances. The Arkansas Arts Council has also provided a grant in collaboration with the symphony performances.

The musical numbers the symphony will perform are listed below:
MILHAUD La Creation du monde, Op. 18a
ITKIN Exodus - Psalm 23 (mm. 238-308)
Paul Rowe, baritone
BARBER Adagio for Strings
ITKIN Jonah
Michael Cates, narrator

Friday's performance is at 7:00 p.m. and Saturday's are at 5:00 p.m. and 7:00 p.m. All seats are general admission.

Tickets are one for $15 each, two-nine for $12.50 each, and ten or more for $10 each. We believe that these are excellent prices!

More information is available on the Mustard Tree Arts Web site, http://www.mustardtreearts.com or by calling 224-3238.

2007-04-16T16:35:00.000-05:00

i watched "Little Miss Sunshine" last week, and cried. lots of people watched it and were disappointed...i loved it. it punched me in the face. i mean that family was screwed up, and they still managed to love each other more completely than most. i don't even know what else to say about it, because i know i won't say it right. if you haven't seen it, watch it.

some people watch movies for entertainment, and then move on with their lives. not me. most movies i watch affect me in some way or another. for example: when i watched "A Good Year" i actually had a conversation about how God might feel about me living in Europe, doing nothing, for the rest of my life. the next day i watched "Syriana" and got SO pissed, i considered going back to school for political science so i could figure out some way to get "in the system" and force change. see...i do not just kick back with a good film. it somehow changes my thinking, if only for a short while. this is why i cannot watch scary movies. i will literally lose sleep afterwards...it doesn't matter how ridiculous the monster looked...he could be real...you don't know.

so yah, "Little Miss Sunshine" inspired me to be more honest...to love completely and honestly and no matter what. you know what is sad? i told someone about it, but they said they won't watch it because the word fuck is in it, and they "don't agree" with that. that makes me sad. maybe it doesn't matter...it is just a movie after all...but still...i try not to use that word, i don't particularly love it...but sometimes fuck is just the only word that fits.
woh...how's that for a rabbit?

next?

2007-03-31T13:19:00.000-05:00

it is a saturday, and i am at work. but let me clarify...i willingly told people that i would be here, "just in case" they needed help registering late for our art festival. so now here i sit, not knowing if anyone will call, but not being able to leave because...well, i told people i would be here. so here i sit.

i have noticed lately that i am not a creature of balance...i am someone who lives in extremes. everything for me is black or white...very rarely is anything grey. and while this can make life very exciting at times...full of passion and adventure and arguments, all or nothing, etc...in quiet times, like now, it can make life confusing. going to work each day, having a handful of friends you see each week, going to bed at night...this always seemed to me a "grey" sort-of life. an in-between...where nothing is unusual, nothing is extra-ordinary...and while i didn't mean to decide that the grey life is bad, i sort-of did. and now here i am. and half of my brain is insisting that there is nothing wrong with my life...that there are lessons to be learned, that there is purpose to my work. but the other half of my brain is getting ancy...more and more every day. the ancy side is screaming: you've been doing the same thing for months now! let's make a change...let's move somewhere new...let's try a new job...

is there a deeper issue here? do i not know how to be content...will i always want whatever it is that i do not have? or worse, will i never even know what it is that i want?

i am not good at sticking things out...finishing what i've started...committing to, well, anything...this is not a new revelation. so part of me thinks: see...here is your chance! here is an opportunity to stay-put. commit to this life for a while, and stick it out. but then that other part of me says: that's just a cop-out. an excuse to make things easy. surely if you're not content, that must mean this is not the life for you!

what's crazy...or i should say, crazier...is that i actually love my job. and i love the people i work with. but it is very quiet right now. and i was so excited to have time to relax and read and have conversations that lasted more than 10 minutes. so i've done those things...alot, actually...and i'm ready for the next thing. and what if there is no next thing? i came here thinking i'd be here for at least 2 years...unless something crazy happened...and now, i'm wishing for the crazy thing to happen! whatever it is! maybe i don't want a quiet life. maybe i want to wake up excited each morning, and go to bed exhausted each night.

and here i sit. i feel grey.

2007-03-07T16:20:00.000-06:00

i am LOVING the real live preacher.

check him out...he's to your right...

2007-02-28T17:55:00.000-06:00

how embarrassing...

so i've switched over to the "new blogger"...something that i don't really understand the usefulness of. all i do is type words and click publish. the end. but anyway, when everything had been converted over i noticed there was a new box at the top. and in that new box, it had a link that said there were 43 comments for me to review. not knowing what this was i clicked on it (not always a good idea, by the way) and there was a long list of comments that had been made, but not posted, because it was waiting for me to publish them! i had NO IDEA i even needed to do that! just one more bit of proof that i will never be quite computer savvy. so i have reviewed them all, and published everything from my dear friends. and all this time i thought surely no one even read this blog anymore.

SO SORRY friends! thanks for commenting. i promise to do my publishing part in the future.

in other news, my sweet little niece turned 1 this week. she was given a cake in the hopes that she would "dive" right in. however she opted for the high road and refused to get dirty in the process. i think her daddy ended up feeding her most of it with a fork! good girl.

2007-01-23T11:43:00.000-06:00

I get to see Pamela in May...woohoo!!

AND to make things even better, I get to see her in AFRICA! Woohoo again!

2007-01-11T15:44:00.000-06:00

the perfect sentence

"She sang, of course, "M'ama!" and not "he loves me," since an unalterable and unquestioned law of the musical world required that the German text of French operas sung by Swedish artists should be translated into Italian for the clearer understanding of English-speaking audiences."
Edith Wharton
The Age of Innocence

2007-01-05T10:18:00.000-06:00

so...Hello 2007!

i am not a big fan of resolutions. never have been. but there is a lady in my office that has a pretty cool idea. she has 2 jars, and 365 colored stones. so on January 1st, all of the stones are in jar #1, and jar #2 is empty. each morning when she comes to work, she takes a stone from jar #1 and places it on her desk...and all day when she sees the stone, it reminds her to make today better than yesterday. then at the end of the day, she puts the stone in jar #2. at the end of the year, jar #2 is full of stones that represent thoughtful, intentional days.

i think it's a great idea. the goal is not specific expectations that you may or may not meet. for her, if she is thoughtful about what she is doing, and how she is spending her time...it's been a good day. i like it.

in other news, i am saving money to go see my friend Pamela in Africa. so if you have extra money...my plane ticket is a good cause. =)

2006-12-08T11:04:00.000-06:00

You spread out the skies / over empty space / said "Let there be light" / and to a dark and formless world / Your light was born
You spread out Your arms / over empty hearts / said "Let there be light" / and to a dark and hopeless world / Your son was born
You made the world / and saw that it was good
You sent Your only Son / for You are good
What a Wonderful Maker / what a Wonderful Savior / how majestic Your whispers / how humble Your love
With a stength like no other / and the heart of a Father / how majestic Your whispers / what a Wonderful God
No eye has fully seen / how beautiful the cross / and we have only heard / the faintest whispers / of how great You are
You made the world / and saw that it was good
You sent Your only Son / for You are good
What a Wonderful Maker / what a Wonderful Savior / how majestic Your whispers / how humble Your love
With a strength like no other / and the heart of a Father / how majestic Your whispers / what a Wonderful God

Come, Lord Jesus, come.

2006-11-13T13:19:00.000-06:00

i have a Pappaw. he is sick and had to be moved to a nursing home this year. his memory is all but gone. i have not seen him all year...not since Christmas...which currently marks me the most terrible member of the family, even if i'm the only one that thinks this. i'm not sure what to do about all of this. i'm not sure you're "allowed" to grieve someone before they actually die...but my Pappaw is already gone. emotions are strange and mysterious things...however i am certain that this is what "sad" in it's purest form feels like. that's enough for today.

2006-10-31T13:31:00.000-06:00

ouch...

People do not drift toward holiness. Apart from grace-driven effort, people do not gravitate toward godliness, prayer, obedience to Scripture, faith, and delight in the Lord. We drift toward compromise and call it tolerance; we drift toward disobedience and call it freedom; we drift toward superstition and call it faith. We cherish the indiscipline of lost self-control and call it relaxation; we slouch toward prayerlessness and delude ourselves into thinking we have escaped legalism; we slide toward godlessness and convince ourselves we have been liberated.
D.A. Carson, For the Love of God

2006-10-30T14:43:00.000-06:00

question time...

if the sky had to be a different color...shades of something OTHER than blue and grey...what color would you prefer it to be??

i say orange. i don't even like orange...but i think it would make my day if i came outside on a bright sunny day and the sky was the color of orange sherbet. and there isn't a whole lot of orange in nature already, so maybe it would be a good compliment to everything else. nice.

you?

2006-10-23T15:39:00.000-05:00

when i was in college, going back to dallas was always a strange thing. you see people that you know, and yet...you no longer know them. and your own parents, who raised you from birth, suddenly seem more distant. they don't know your friends, they don't live where you live...and on and on with everyone you used to "know." it's a strange sort-of feeling when home is familiar only as a location...the relationships no longer connect.

and now that i've moved on, my sweet little college town has become the next page of this same story. i still love the familiar places...my favorite road...the smelly little restaurants...the crazy ivy that will soon consume the town...it is still home. but the few friends that are left become more and more distant. the family that i changed with, and grew up with, is no longer the same. you see people that know every piece of your history, and you suddenly don't know what to say or how to relax. it isn't as sad as it sounds...rather, it is one of those moments where you try to consciously soak everything in. you try to be aware of whatever great lesson you are learning...try to feel yourself growing. strange is a better word, not sad.

but the result is an overwhelming restlessness. this current place doesn't know me yet...i don't have a "spot" that is perfect for sitting outside...or a road that makes me smile (although there are several that make me curse). and the people here are not family...not yet, anyway. there is beauty here...potential even...but the familiarity hasn't taken hold.

it makes me think of my sweet family...not the parents, but the great aunts and the 3rd and 4th cousins...all those traditional hearts who could never leave south Texas. how naive i was for thinking they were missing it...thinking that because i had seen "more" of the world, i somehow would live a fuller life. maybe there isn't any scale that puts life in better or worse...maybe they have found a depth and a peace that variety will never provide...even with all of its excitement.

just when you're ready for change...you miss home.

2006-10-06T10:15:00.000-05:00

HEY EVERYONE!!!

Just 6 days from now we are doing "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown" at Fellowship Bible Church, and you should all be there...it's going to be great! Even if you don't like musicals, this one is actually pretty funny. And if nothing else, I've been working my @$$ off putting it together...so at least come and watch it out of support.
It's this Thursday & Friday at noon and 7 both days, and then at 2 on Saturday. Now I realize that this is shameless advertisement, but I have to admit that I don't really care...it's a good show, and you should all be there! Call me or the church for more info.

Ok bye.

2006-08-21T14:14:00.000-05:00

Let me learn
by paradox
that the way down is up
that to be low is to be high.
-Unknown

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways," declares the Lord.
Isa 55:8

2006-08-17T10:24:00.000-05:00

Go here: www.evangelicaloutpost.com and read the entry "Plagued by Certainty". it's a little wordy at first, but i've never heard this vantage point before...feeling misunderstood because of the certainty of your faith, rather than your doubt. interesting. it is usually the doubting side of things that people struggle with, and you hear them talk about wishing they had more faith so that they would know what "Mr. So-and-so" was talking about. i've never even considered the possibility that there might be someone so grounded and certain in their faith that they feel like no one understands them...like they should doubt more than they do. crazy. read it.

2006-08-16T13:26:00.000-05:00

Psalm 4
For the director of music. With stringed instruments. A psalm of David.

Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God.
Give me relief from my distress;
be merciful to me and hear my prayer.

How long, O men, will you turn my glory into shame?
How long will you love delusions and seek false gods?
Selah.

Know that the LORD has set apart the godly for himself;
the LORD will hear when I call to him.

In your anger do not sin;
when you are on your beds,
search your hearts and be silent.
Selah.

Offer right sacrifices and trust in the LORD.

Many are asking, "Who can show us any good?"
Let the light of your face shine upon us, O LORD.

You have filled my heart with greater joy
than when their grain and new wine abound.

I will lie down and sleep in peace,
for you alone, O LORD,
make me dwell in safety.

2006-08-10T16:22:00.000-05:00

2 things...

i am reading C.S.Lewis' space trilogy, and he is a genius. i was worried the story would not be interesting enough to hold my attention...but here and there are these truly brilliant ideas; i keep turning the pages simply to find out what he will write next. last night i read a paragraph where one of the characters was trying to explain that everything is essentially the same, but moving at different speeds. light and sound seem like they are not solid bodies, but really they are just moving faster than we are. and things that seem invisible are simply moving faster than light, etc. brilliant.

has everyone seen the movie "Contact"? well, i think it's amazing...but there is one scene that has been in my mind all day, and i can't figure out why. the main character comes to the point of stepping out into the unknown...where she can turn back or go for it...and she sits in the chair barely able to handle the pressure, and says over and over "I'm ok to go..." i don't know why that is in my mind right now. if i am about to jump into something scary and unknown, i hope i am that brave. the end.

2006-08-09T17:15:00.000-05:00

Sorry, but I have to...
10 years ago:
1) It was almost time to start my 2nd year of highschool, which seemed pretty great at the time.
2) I was working at the Kroger down the street.
3) We were living in my least favorite apartment ever.
4) The experiment of dating 2 guys at once turned out not-so-fun.
5) I went toilet papering with friends and managed 6 houses in one night...but definitely got in trouble for it later.

5 Years ago:
1) I lived in Germany for 11 weeks and discovered what it means to feel at home with "strangers".
2) I felt that being 20 meant I no longer needed to listen to anyone's advice...oh, SO wrong.
3) I was standing on the edge of the hardest year of my life, and had no clue.
4) Music got moved to 2nd...what Faith would truly mean in my life got top priority.
5) I dated an Austrian, and stage-managed my first show.

1 year ago:
1) My life consisted of cleaning up JPAC's backstage and sleeping in late.
2) I was about to live with a crazy person.
3) I thought working in a library would be a great idea.
4) $400 was a lot of money.
5) I still thought I'd be moving back to Dallas.

Yesterday:
1) I didn't get to talk to any of my family.
2) I watched "Indiana Jones" for the first time in years.
3) I drank a great glass of wine.
4) I shared an epiphany with a great friend.
5) I went to bed too late.

5 Snacks I Like:
1) goldfish
2) Reeses
3) yogurt and bananas
4) blackberries
5) iced coffee

5 Songs I Know all the Words to:
1) "Creep"
2) "The Man Who Sold the World"
3) "How Great is Our God"
4) "Yesterday"
5) "Losing My Religion"

If I Had a Million Dollars:
1) I would make my teeth straight.
2) I would cook elaborate meals for people all the time.
3) I would pay off all my debt and then move out of the country.
4) I would plan a trip to Europe and Africa for November, rather than the spring...if ever.
5) I would learn about investing money.

5 Things I Would Never Wear:
1) tube-tops
2) a fanny pack
3) stretch pants
4) basically anything from the '80s
5) a shirt that says "Jesus is my homeboy" or "Mary is my homegirl"

Favorite TV Shows:
1) Seinfeld
2) That '70s Show
3) Friends
4) RockStar
5) So You Think You Can Dance

2006-08-02T15:24:00.000-05:00

interesting...

http://christianitytoday.com/outreach/articles/homegrownchurch.html

2006-08-01T16:48:00.000-05:00

i have moved into a house that is brand new and WAY too nice...it's the kind of house that the popular kids lived in when i was in elementary school. crazy times. i am not sure yet if it will work out long term...the owner of the house has lots of rules...and i am NOT good with rules...but even for a little while, it is a blessing.

i had an epiphany the other day that i thought i would share...even if only to reiterate it to myself. here it is: most of the time, i have trouble believing that God really cares about me. i mean...me, personally, charla blakelock...that HE cares for me. and then if i can get that part, then i have trouble with the grace side of things...that He will still love me and take care of me even if i suck...which i usually do. now for the epiphany part: this past semester was probably one of the more shabby times of my life. not that anything bad happened to me, but rather that i was bad...was definitely not seeking the way i should, or even asking for help when i needed it. and yet, here i sit, and God provided me with an incredible job, a great community, even a place to live. so i was not asking for help, i was not living right, i was not doing anything the way i should...and God still looked out for me. woh. for someone with my kind-of black and white, doubting brain...that is huge. i didn't come through on ANY part of my end of the deal...and God was faithful in EVERY way. ouch. it's not right, really...it certainly isn't fair, that the Creator of the Universe looks out for a scumbag like me. and yet, He does. and even if i don't understand...and if i don't care...and definitely when i don't deserve it...none of this changes who He is. none of what i do changes His faithfulness. nothing that happens will ever change what He has set out to accomplish. yikes...i would say that leaves a person speechless, although clearly it does not. i will say that it makes me wonder...how many times is God going to have to teach me this same lesson before i really get it? probably every day, for the rest of my life.

i don't know how to say Thank You. i pray that i won't ever give up trying to figure that out.

2006-07-22T01:32:00.000-05:00

it is 1:34 a.m. and i cannot sleep...i think it is because i spent all day packing, so the fact that i am soon-to-be homeless has finally hit. i actually don't have as much stuff as i thought, which is encouraging since it is everything i own in these boxes...but still...i would like to not have to store them in random garages for who knows how long (especially since it's been 100 degrees everyday...luckily, paper doesn't melt).

i have always loved to travel...crossed an ocean by myself at 13...but lately i have been wanting a home. not a place for my crap. i'd like to have somewhere that is comfortable, even if only to me. somewhere that has an ugly chair that only makes sense when you sit in it, too much butter in the fridge because i don't really cook, a roommate that laughs at how dumb i am most of the time, and worn down carpet in-front of the door from people coming in and out all the time. even if i'm only in Little Rock for a few years...i'd like home.

2006-07-13T22:04:00.000-05:00

change is a really strange thing...exciting, and even necessary, but really disturbing too. i don't even know how many "To do" lists i have made in the past several weeks...and i'm about to spend some time making more. the making of the lists makes me feel better...like i'm getting a grip on what needs to be done. however they don't actually seem to help get anything done.
tricky.
the whole "change is necessary for growth"...technically, of course this is true...you can't stay the same and grow at the same time...so i get that. but change does not absolutely mean growth...you could be going backwards, or in the wrong direction while you change, right?
all that to say, change is scary...

oh, and if anyone in Little Rock needs a roommate...let me know. =)

2006-07-06T14:27:00.000-05:00

question...

which is more important: a citizen's safety or a criminal's freedom?

2006-07-02T22:15:00.000-05:00

wish me luck everyone...i go off to face a beast in the morning. do you remember the big scary wolf in The Neverending Story? well, that is what i am going to face...a big scary nothing that is totally impossible to please, no matter what i say.

but until then, the white wine currently on my table and in my glass is sweet and smooth...what more could i need? goodnight, sweet friends.

2006-06-29T14:26:00.000-05:00

two posts in one day...startin' off good!

first things first...i have officially landed an incredible job at Fellowship Bible Church in Little Rock, AR and will be starting there on July 17th. i can't even believe i am leaving Arkadelphia...it has become such a comfortable home. but let's be honest...i'm only going to Little Rock...not that far away. now i have to find somewhere to live...scary! i don't think i can afford to live alone, but new roommates are tricky. who knows? i'm trying not to worry too much...i know i have a place to crash for the first few weeks, and a lot can happen in that amount of time.

so there's the first update. more to come soon...

2006-06-29T09:33:00.000-05:00

just testing...

this is it. don't get scared, now...